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Dan Bosserman, The Northwest Connection

TO:                 Dean of Extraterrestrial Studies

Galactic University, HomeStar

FROM:           Agent-in-Place, Planet Earth,

North American Continent

SUBJECT:      Local native customs and rituals:

“Independence Day”

DATE:                        July 3, 2019, local time

Honored Superior:

With some trepidation I forward a report on the so-called “work ethic” of this species. Their social system and attitudes toward what they naively refer to as “employment” are so bizarre and alarming, that merely to describe them seems almost to imply that I sympathize with them; and I realize that such sympathy would result in my immediate recall and vaporization.

Nevertheless, I am dedicated to recording historical truth as I observe it, whatever the consequences may be to my personal safety. Accordingly, I have made use of our ability to mind-meld and control the actions of other entities by taking over the personality of a native known as Dan Bosserman, a sort of serf or menial attached to an organization dedicated to the manufacture and distribution of totally useless objects that are somehow prized by this culture.

The extent of this labyrinthine network will be the subject of a separate transmission dealing with the infinite levels of complexity this species delights in, but is much too confusing for this report. This Bosserman creature carries out a function you will scarcely believe, but more of that later.

To begin with, each individual here is allowed to seek and secure any means of employment he or she can adequately perform. (Indeed, many hold positions for years which they CANNOT adequately perform.)

As shocking as such an arrangement may appear to us, who have the benefit of a rigid caste system, and thus are spared from birth the anguish and trauma of having to decide for

ourselves how we shall conduct our lives, these creatures actually seem to prefer such an inefficient, disorderly state.

Thus they spend the first 18-22 years of their lives relatively comatose, milling around, presumably “deciding,” actually wondering, how they will spend the rest of their lives. They waste most of their time in trivial pursuits, and far from being ashamed of it, actually glorify it, having invented a “game” (one of their religious rituals, as far as I can determine) called just that: “Trivial Pursuit.”

Even after they have established what sort of occupation they will follow, instead of finding a mentor to guide them expertly through the intricacies of preparation for what will, after all, consume the bulk of their waking hours for the rest of their lives, they insist on making all important decisions by themselves.

This attitude has far-reaching consequences, extending even to the social, political, and religious aspects of their lives. Think of it! Each individual determining for himself or herself where to live, how to be employed, what to believe, with whom to associate, how to spend one’s spare time—indeed, the very concept of “spare” time!

This chaos they designate by such disturbing terms as freedom, liberty, self-determination, autonomy, free-will, choice, and independence. They even celebrate it about this time every year with a special holiday called Independence Day.

Fortunately for us, many of them have lost sight of its original meaning, and know it only as The Fourth. The only freedom they associate with it is not having to go to work, many going so far as to complain when it falls in the middle of the week, because it didn’t give them a three or four-day weekend.

For such as these, Independence Day has about as much meaning as the next major holiday, the first Monday in September, established to honor the dignity of labor. And how do they observe it? By not working, of course!

Let us hope this dull mind-set will extend, through ignorance and apathy, to even more natives of this sector, so that our task will be made easier, and very soon we shall be able to impose our efficient system of order and discipline throughout the galaxy!

But will you hold it against me if I get a little sentimental and quietly lament the passing of this quaint notion of Freedom? After all, a lot of blood was shed “to secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity.”

Respectfully submitted,

Yx”À¥, aka Dan Bosserman

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