Control is a wonderful thing – and for most of us, it is completely elusive. As someone with ongoing heart issues, and a much loved little dog with a severe health condition – I feel well qualified to speak on this subject. Having raised and adored small dogs for years, I have been lucky. Now, not so much.
When Poobah was born, one of two, she was very small. Her brother went to live with a wonderful young woman in Spokane who intended to show him in obedience. She has not disappointed, as Bogey is a major success, and has gone on to star in agility competitions as well as “carting.” Dearest Poo has simply been loved and cuddled. She is almost eight years old. And, now we are dealing with what I suspected we would – kidney disease.
When I saw how small she was at birth, I knew but yet hoped I was wrong. Since I did not want to risk breaking someone else’s heart, she stayed here. It was diagnosed a few months ago and we are doing the best we can – with my beloved veterinary clinic giving me much needed backup if needed. My dog nanny, Lisa, is a great help. So, Poo and I take it day to day.
The thing is, we are a bit alike – small, fierce and determined. I will do all in my power for this little dog, and there is no doubt in my mind she knows it. The end will come, but she will know she is loved. I have no ability to understand people who easily relinquish control or refuse to even accept it in the first place. It gets to me. I look at her sweet face and I start to break. Then I remember that need to stay together for her and for me. I hold her close and relish her little kisses. I remember also that I am a survivor and that I am not afraid. Even as I became dizzy and fell on my walk a month ago, I was thinking all the time. I controlled and protected myself the best I could thus minimizing my injuries. I have found that I am an anomaly. My cardiologist and nurses are in awe of my ability to take charge of my health. Clearly they are used to patients who are incapable of seeing the part they play in their own recovery. Yet for me, there is no other way. I can’t let down my team – those who work so hard to keep me going. Likewise, I am an important part of Poo’s team.
I am a reactionary personality. And, I know longer think of this as a burden. I can trace it back to a time when I was a small girl. I stood in the den, next to the piano, and looked up toward the ceiling. I still remember what I said: “God, quit watching me. I can do it myself.”
Remember, you are responsible for you…no one else can do it.